Papa Was a Rolling Stone/ Mama Had a Feminist Bone

Ten post-its from a feminist mother to her daughter.

1. Guard your freedoms fiercely. It was hard won.

You have been born into a radically different world from that of your mother or grandmother. You can vote. Be educated. Work in a range of professions, inherit property, exercise birth control, marry of your own choice, or not marry at all. You can expect to live without violence or discrimination and be treated with dignity and respect. And you can sue if you don’t get this.

It wasn’t always like this. Generations of women struggled for these freedoms. Don’t take it for granted. They can take it away. (There is historical evidence. The Taliban did.)

2. Wherever you will go it is likely you will see that a box shaped object emitting light and sound at high decibels and people sitting around it in fascination. That’s a TV. It is likely that you will come across all the serials which begin with the letter K. In these there will be pastry-coloured homes with many aunties wearing bangles and bindis, being nasty to one another while the uncles just watch resignedly. You will wonder how come you don’t see these kind of women around you in reality. omen are women’s worst enemies. This is not true. Women are women’s friends.

3. You may find in your text books that Papas seem to sit and read newspapers on the sofa while the Mama does the dishes, cooking, cleaning and takes care of you. You might wonder how this doesn’t always happen in your own home. Just because your Papa does housework, takes care of you, stays up the night when you cry, wears ear-rings and has long hair doesn’t mean he is less of a man. To the contrary. Remember, men can cook, love, cry, hurt, giggle. Sometimes they need a little help because they have been bound in an air-tight box called masculinity. When they escape that box, or begin poking holes in it, they will begin to live a fuller life. Help them do this in any way you can.

4. There was a lady called Kalpana Chawla who went to space. Even though she could not make it back, she reminded us that women and science are not like chalk and cheese. In your grandmother’s generation there was a feeling that science was for boys, and home science for girls. In my generation they stopped saying it, but they still thought it. Bollocks. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

Remind me to watch two films with you. Bend It Like Beckham and Billy Elliot. I hope there will be many many more like these by the time you are old enough. As you will see, girls can play football (very well) and boys can dance (very well).

5. By now you’re probably wondering what all the fuss is over your body. Your body. Your body is an instrument, not an ornament, to paraphrase a popular rock singer from my time called Alanis Morissette. Dress up, look good if you want to. But for yourself. Not for men, society, your boyfriend. Don’t dumb yourself down. Don’t act like a bimbo because the guys like it that way, pretend to be weaker because that’s what they expect, and that’s what they give you more attention for. It’s not worth the extra attention. It fades you out.

6. There are very few jobs that require your girly parts. To paraphrase one old feminist aunty, “The only jobs for which no man is qualified are human incubators and wet nurse. Likewise, the only job for which no woman is or can be qualified is sperm donor.”

7. Ambition is a good thing. Don’t apologize for it. What it means if people try to tell you that ambition is not desirable, is that indirectly you are neglecting your ‘female’ duties as a mother or wife, and that is what you should be concentrating on and not your career. Because in their minds, that is what you are meant to do. They are wrong.

8. Ask tough questions. Protest freely. (Someone somewhere fought tooth and nail so you could.) You might feel the pressure to ignore sexist comments. You might even think you imagined it. (You didn’t.) If you are uneasy being a woman in a male-cultured workplace, share it. Don’t keep incidents of discrimination, sexist comments to yourself. Don’t feel embarrassed to raise questions of gender equality. You’re not ‘weaker’ for calling people on their prejudices and chauvinism, or for expecting people to treat you with respect and dignity.

9. It’s alright to say NO. (Except to me.)

10. Speak your mind and claim what’s yours. Set your own terms. Negotiate. Hustle. Don’t keep quiet because you are scared someone will call you names. Bitch. Witch. Slut. Feminist. That’s part of how the world shuts you up and chips away at your confidence.

Remember what I said. Guard your freedoms. They were hard won.